Last week I was chatting with a friend who was talking about his fears of fatherhood. He expressed concerns of his ability to afford having a baby and lamented his anticipated lack of sleep. As I started giving him advice (in a nutshell: it is so worth it) I remembered that I had once written an article about these exact fears on the dad blog, Noodad. Noodad.com was started in 2006 by myself and my friend SchneiderMike and our tagline was “Wiping Asses and Taking Names”. It was a really cool project that I am super proud of and was awesome to collaborate with my friend Mike for those 3 years. Anyway, I wrote this article called “Top 10 Myths of Fatherhood Debunked” and while some of the references to VCRs and Metal Gear Solid date it back to 2006, the main idea remains the same. Since Noodad.com is gone I thought I would re-publish it for you, George, and for anyone else having similar fears. Enjoy! -G
The Top 10 Myths of Fatherhood Debunked
Wednesday, 31 May 2006
You may be contemplating fatherhood and are scared to make the decision. Or you may have a kid on the way and are worried your life is over. If you watch television or movies you will have a very twisted idea of what fatherhood is. And just because your friends might go through hell, and can’t stop talking to you about it, it does not mean you should take it as fact. That is why I, Noodad, am pleased to present to you, the Top 10 Myths of Fatherhood Debunked! Listen to the truth my friend, and then decide whether you want to join me in fatherhood. You will see, that you can’t believe everything you see on TV.
1. You don’t have enough money to have a kid. FALSE!
The point is, you will never have enough money for a kid. And there isn’t any real good formula out there either to determine how much you need. You aren”t saving up for a PS3 here fellas, you need to take care of life necessities. But it varies in cost. For instance, you will go through a ton more diapers in the beginning. That slowly fades away. If you do formula instead of breastfeeding, it will be very expensive for the first few months, then, as you start introducing solid foods, it will lessen. The point is, there is no “magic number” that you need in your savings account to afford a kid. And if you think there is, you will never reach the number. Once you and your spouse decide it’s time, just go for it.
2. You will never sleep. B.S.!
You will never sleep as much as you did pre-birth or pre-adoption. But that doesn’t mean you will become some owl. Your body will learn how to become more efficient with the sleep you give it. You will also naturally learn to take shorter, more potent naps whenever you get the break. I conveniently use my 45 minute train ride on the way home from work to get my winks in. By the time I get home, I am regenerated from a long day at work and ready to take on the family until bedtime. So to recap, it’s not that you won’t sleep, it’s that you won’t sleep on your terms, any longer.
3. You will get peed on every day. Bunk!
This simply will not happen. Here’s why: early on, you will get hosed by your little piss painter (Dane Cook reference). But you will not get peed on every day because no one likes to get pissed on. It smells, it’s dirty, and it tastes too salty. So the human skill of behavior modification prevents you from diving into a dirty diaper with reckless abandon twice. Piss on me once, shame on you. Piss on me twice, shame on me.
4. You will no longer play videogames. Propaganda!
Once a gamer, always a gamer. The difference post-birth/adoption is how you play them. The days of sitting in your underwear, scratching your nuts, with a pizza, and a 6-pack, playing Metal Gear Solid all night, are over. You will now only have time to play for small amounts of time. This typically means less involved games where you need to be “in the zone” and more games where you can cut to the chase. I’m talking less Tomb Raider and more Battle Mode with Eddie Gordo and Heihachi. So don’t pack up your XBox for good — just count out the times where you buy a game and play non-stop until you finish it.
5. You will have to buy a minivan. Bullocks!
You will never HAVE TO buy a minivan. The interesting thing to note is you will probably WANT TO buy a minivan. I hear you crying out in disbelief, “Why Noodad, why?” It is because it is so darn easy with kids. You have automatic sliding side doors. You have built-in DVD players. Heat and A/C zones. You will envy your minivanning friends and you will want to get one. But that isn’t the only option. Wagons are good options and so are most SUVs. Still, if you do decide to get a minivan, go for the whole enchilada. You might as well get it tricked out.
6. You will never have a sandwich stuck in your VCR. Lie!
If this is even a remote concern than you should worry about your 8-Track collection too. Come on guys, this is 2006. First off, I am not saying you shouldn’t have a VCR. I have a working one that I keep operational. (Actually I should say, Disney, with their lame vaulting process with Beauty and the Beast has kept the VCR operational.) What I am saying is:
A) There are VCR guards that prevent sandwich incidents
and
B) What is your kid doing walking around with a sandwich. It normally means you are not paying attention. In which case, you deserve to get a piece of bologna mess up your tracking.
7. You will not have to confront a bully’s dad and get your ass kicked. Chill!
People think there are only 2 types of kids: bullys, and those they beat up on. I’m here to tell you that more times than not, there is no clear bully. Many times, both kids beat up on each other. But in the off chance that your kid does get a beat down from a bully, the last thing you will do is track down his parents, go to their house, and possibly get beat up too. That only happens on TV. Here’s what really happens: You call the school and complain. The school calls the bully’s parents. Sometimes, in rare instances, there is a confrontation in the principal’s office. Most of the time, the bully’s parents are as embarrassed about having a bully for a kid as you are for having a kid that gets a beat down. If problems persist, you sue their ass. See? Not too bad right?
8. You will literally put a clothespin on your nose when changing a diaper. Untrue!
You may have a weak stomach for smells and squishy brown things but trust me, you won’t have the time nor the desire to put on a clothespin. First off, those things hurt on your nose. Secondly, the smell is not that bad in the heat of the moment. It is only when you empty the diaper pail a week later that you need to be careful. Individually these bombs can be handled. When 30 or so of these join each other in a Diaper Champ, it forms of force more powerful than the Death Star but you need not worry about individual changings.
9. No more peanut butter in the house. No, That isn’t right!
Yes, the numbers of kids who have allergies to nuts is increasing. But that does not mean you can’t have peanut butter anymore. It means that your pediatrician will advise not giving any to your kid until they are at least 2 years old. And even then, to expose them sparingly. It also means that you need to pay closer attention to what you feed them. Only in severe cases, do kids have reactions to nuts when airborne. So just don’t pelt your kids with peanuts and you are fine. 😉
But there are perks: during Halloween, you rake in all the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
10. You will no longer have sex. Wrong!
Here’s the grand puba of them all. Let’s face it, you will never have the same kind of sex you had pre-marriage or before pregnancy. And for most men, that pre-kid action wasn’t even enough. But the notion that having kids means a chastity belt installed on your wife is B.S. It will rarely be her, it will be you. There will be a transition phase after the birth where you will not get anything. This is not necessarily because of a lack of desire, it is most likely due to simple health reasons, and the fact that you and your wife will be more tired than you are used to. You will no longer have full weekends and nights with simply nothing to do except have romps in your house. You now need to set aside time to specifically work on your relationship. Do that, and the sex will come.
Help me help George!
If you’re a parent, help me debunk more myths. Leave a comment below.
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Gregory Ng
GOAL: Visit 100 National Parks as a family by 2020. Favorite Parks: Zion National Park, Mt Rainier National Park, Valley Forge National Historical Park
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