Tonight I went to see the new G.I. Joe movie with my friend Walter. Here’s the trailer in case you haven’t seen it yet:
Let me start by saying a few statements so you guys understand my perspective:
1. G.I. Joe was my obsession as a kid. While Transformers, M.A.S.K., and He-Man were in my toy chest (I didn’t really have a toy chest just a series of shelves), The Joes were my preferred toys growing up. The term “Swivel arm grip” is just as meaningful to me as a reminder of the good things in my childhood as “Hands Across America” or “Groady to the Max”. I had the toys, watched the cartoon, and listened to the PSAs.
2. I have been looking forward to this movie for awhile and was probably one of the few people that were disappointed when they pushed back the release from lst summer to this Spring.
3. I like traditionally, Academy-Award Winning movies as well as non-thinking action movies. Both are worth the price of admission to me.
Ok, now that we got those disclosures out of the way here are 10 things (in no particular order) I hope for the next G.I. Joe movie. Oh, by the way: there are spoilers in this so read at your own risk.
It needs more Joes
The best part about the cartoon was the sheer amount of specialists that made up the Joes! You needed to smash something? Call in Roadblock. You needed to get on a ship? Find Shipwreck! In the snow? You have to contact Snowjob (the best G.I Joe name ever). There was nothing better than seeing 30 or so Joes running towards the enemy screaming “Yo Joe!”. This movie (and the last movie) doesn’t have that. It’s a small team comprised of some well-known popular Joes but not the huge team of specialists. I missed that. And there were opportunities too. The final battle scene that takes place at Fort Sumter could have easily had a Shipwreck cameo.
Campy or not? Make up your mind
This has some textbook buddy comedy with some one-liner zingers but because the camp doesn’t go full-blown you don’t know if certain parts were supposed to be funny or not. For example, Bruce Willis’ character has some great one-liners (most of which are seen in the trailers) but RZA plays a blind ninja master and I couldn’t decide if it was supposed to be funny or not. My vote? Go campier.
Firefly was a ninja!
I was psyched to see Firefly was in this movie. It was also cool to see him show off his explosives. The real problem was Firefly was a ninja. But the movie made him out to be more of a fist-fighting soldier.
More vehicles!
It was super cool to see Cobra H.I.S.S. tanks reproduced in this movie. But that’s not enough! Give us the Dragonfly with Wild Bill. Give us Skystrikers and Hydrofoils or at least have the Snowcat in wintery conditions.
Missed dialogue opportunities
When the Joes figure out that the “president” is really Zartan in disguise it was a perfect opportunity to reprise the G.I. Joe PSA catchphrase, “Knowing is half the battle!” Opportunity lost 🙁
Give Zartan his face tattoo! (And his Dreadnoks)
At the end Zartan dies (apparently) and his mask transitions to his true face. But his true face didn’t have the textbook Zartan eyes! The real issue with this is people haven’t had a chance to see Zartan without his disguise enough to recognize him when his disguise is taken off. Also, they could have easily made the “new” secret service be Dreadnoks.
More Destro
Leaving out Destro in this movie is like leaving off Starscream in Transformers. The dynamic of Destro challenging Cobra Commander is amazing and would have added another dimension to the plot. Maybe next meeting? And while we’re at it: Dr. Mindbender and Serpentor.
Flint needs more personality
Much like the Destro/Cobra Commander dynamic, Flint was routinely a loose cannon that disobeyed orders because he was reckless. At the beginning of this movie, Flint did something reckless and I thought to myself, “Yes. This is the Flint I know!” Then he turned into a vanilla character that you really don’t care if he lives or dies. I wish he was more like the Lt. Falcon character from the cartoon to liven it up a bit.
Stop objectifying the chicks
In the last movie The Baroness was portrayed as weak-minded and conflicted over loyalty because of love. In this movie, Lady Jaye was kickass in some scenes and then used her body to trick the Chief of Staff, catch the president’s attention (Zartan in disguise), and start some sort of weird and not fully satisfying flirting with Flint. Lady Jaye is hot because she kicks ass. We don’t need to see her in skimpy boyshorts and tank tops.
Bazooka, Gung-Ho, Mutt, and Wild Bill
In my opinion, the next movie has to have these characters. I mean, they pulled out Jinx but not Quickkick? It’s cool that they had Jinx training with her blindfold on but we need more of the popular characters all on the same screen.
I know it may be surprising after reading all of these things I hope they change but I really enjoyed this movie. It had great action, mindless entertainment, and satisfying plotlines. Did you see this movie? Did you like the G.I. Joes in the 80’s?
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Gregory Ng
GOAL: Visit 100 National Parks as a family by 2020. Favorite Parks: Zion National Park, Mt Rainier National Park, Valley Forge National Historical Park
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