The Day I Almost Yakked My Butterbeer

Today my family visited Universal Studios Island of Adventure in Orlando Florida for one reason and one reason only: The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. My wife and I have been fans of the books since she first read them teaching 2nd grade way back in the late 90’s so when my kids started taking an interest in reading, Harry Potter was tops on our list of things to push. Incidentally the others on that list are Lord of the Rings, Everyone Poops, and anything from Shel Silverstein.

My daughter, E, age 10, has been begging to come visit Harry Potter land since they announced they were building it. We always deflected the conversation by saying we would take her after she read all 7 books. Less than a year later, she finished the series and told us we had to pay up. We paid up today (18 months after she completed our task) and I almost paid more than I bargained for.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is one of a half-dozen “islands” at the sister amusement park to Universal Studios Orlando. While doing research we heard the same few bits of advice: do the Hogwarts Castle ride and the Wand Shop show. They were both worth the wait they said. You’ll be glad you waited they promised.

Well, we bee-lined for the Ollivanders Shop at the park opening and were pleased to see it was only a 40 minute wait. I won’t ruin it for others who haven’t witnessed it for themselves but in a nutshell, it is awesome and well-worth the wait. Score 1 for all you people who recommended it.

Pressing our luck, we decided to head to the “castle” and see how long the line was for “Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey”. The line said 60 minutes and after hearing from my niece who waited 2 hours for this ride 3 weeks ago, we decided to do the time right away.

My youngest son wasn’t tall enough for the ride and my middle dude decided to bail as well so my daughter and I went together while my wife took the boys to Seuss-Land (Ugh. Sidenote: I loathe Dr. Seuss that fraud who made up words just so they could rhyme. Dr. Seuss is a Choseur Loseur Poseur. See I can make stuff up too).

Anyway, my daughter and I were having a grand time admiring the Potteristic scenery. Could we possibly complete both of our required rides within the first 2 hours? You bet we could! I know how to rock the amusement park planning and it was paying off! I started patting myself on the back as we swiftly moved through the line.

I read and re-read the description of the ride as it was listed on the park map: “Make your way through the classrooms and corridors of Hogwarts. Then soar above the castle grounds on a groundbreaking ride that lets you join Harry Potter and his friends on an unforgettably thrilling adventure.”

Then something in particular hit me. 2 additional details that put my mind at ease:

1. It had the designation “Best for Family” which meant to me that kids of all ages would enjoy this. It will be something you all leave with huge smiles on your face and at the conclusion of the ride you bypass the gift shop, don’t even look at your surprised random picture look they tried to sell you for $24.99 and you head straight to the back of the line to ride it again.

2. “Sign language interpreter available.” Which meant to me, this ride is tame. So tame in fact that someone could stand next to you and sign language your way through the ride. I was tempted to request a sign language interpreter just so I could learn how to sign Gryffindor and Hufflepuff but I didn’t want to abuse this nice resource.

Anyway, both of those signs pointed me into the mindset that this ride was more visual effects and less “let me punch you in the bludgers.” Why would a grown man even worry about things like this? Well, maybe it’s because despite my macho exterior, I am really an ol’ softie when it comes to things that cause any minor disruption of my inner ear equilibrium. I get dizzy on a carousel. So I tend to play it safe. I was feeling safe. I was imagining smiling kid faces and an extra platform for a sign language interpreter!

Fast forward to what really happened. After 65 minutes in line, we were ready to board the “vehicle” (their words not mine). We were sorted (by a sorting hat no less: nice touch) into groups of 4. My daughter and I got paired up by 2 incredibly obnoxious dudes who were ogling women in line and wearing generic Ed Hardy shirts.

We sit down and a bar comes down with handle bars. Yes, I said handle bars. I have never been on any non-rollercoaster ride that had extra handlebars. Normally the bar on your lap is sufficient. And where was the sign language platform? What is going on?!!!

The attendant walked by not once but twice to double check the bar was lowered and locked into place. This is starting to feel like we just got into a death machine…

We start moving and our head jerks back. We feel a rush of air on our face (this is good for someone sans-Dramamine). We see an IMAX style screen that makes it seem like we are friggin flying on a broom with Harry. Ok, pretty cool. I can do this Greg. Breath in, breath out. Not sure what the signer would be signing right now but if they were signing subtitles of my thoughts it would look like this:

You know how parents can make out the sounds of their children through anything? Well, this ride was crazy loud with wind, and dragons, and the whomping willow, and Quiddith fans, and Dementers, and all sorts of stuff and all I could hear from my daughter was:

E: Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Now, normally I would use this time to comfort her. Tell her it was ok. Or at the very least put my hand on hers to give her the reassurance that everything was ok. But both my hands were on the “Oh shit” handlebars and I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would be needing a sorting hat of my own to yak into.

Our heads snapped back and forth, I coughed up and swallowed my lower intestines at least 3 times. I had a taste in my mouth like a Dementor stole the soul from Hagrid’s butthole and injected it into my mouth.

In a word: Ugh.

Now, if you like fast moving rides like most people do, you will love Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. It is one of the most creative, amazing, state of the art rides I have ever seen. But if you are the least bit motion sick, stay away. Stay far away.

My daughter and I had a great bonding experience. One that we will never forget. And the rest of the day at Universal Islands of Adventure was a truly great family experience. And that’s the key isn’t it? It’s not about the thrills (or chills) you get from an amusement: it’s the memories you create with the people you love.

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